Top 7 Botched Idols Who I Could Fix

A good round of blood-letting is all you need to fix filler migration

There’s been a lot of talk these days about Hollywood celebrities and their dramatic facelifts. There’s a new doctor in Beverly Hills and he (or she but definitely not they) is working miracles. Erasing years of drug abuse of Lindsay Lohan’s face and scraping off the corruption-induced wrinkles from Kris Jenner’s neck. This doctor hasn’t been contacted by Korean companies yet, which is why I plan to set up a scam clinic somewhere in Gangnam and take credit for his work. These are who I hope to see in line for the grand opening of Dr. Chingu’s Sculpting Studio. 

7. Juyeon

Look at what they did to this poor boy. He was born to be the most handsome but least smart on a Maths Olympiad team but they chopped up his pointy cheekbones and gave him sad uke eyes. I would start by taking out the Dorito chips they inserted where his chin and nose bridge used to be and I’d also put him in one of those fancy Japanese rock saunas and make him sweat out all that hyaluronic filler. 

6. Bommie

Most surgeons would shy away from a case like this but not me because I know what Bom needs isn’t another surgeon but a shaman. I’ve considered getting into the Korean shaman scene for a while now. I know I have what it takes but I don’t know how to explain such a career choice to my mother. I don’t think she’ll mind though, she only has one wish for me these days and that is to find employment of any kind. Bom has clearly only ever surrounded herself with quack doctors but how about a quack in general? A couple crystal healing sessions and she’ll have a nose bridge again! If she pays extra for a sound bath session we’ll even be able to get rid of that BBL Jessi gave her in the alleys of Itaewon. 

5. Wendy

Not only am I a professional blogger, critic, master astrologer, doctor and shaman, I am also a lawyer in my free time you know. Wendy you have a good case against those SBS ghouls who threw you down that platform, if you’re going to continue botching yourself to the high heavens let’s at least make sure SBS pays for it so you don’t have to subsidise your addiction by inviting your doctor to concerts and signing autographs for his nieces. We’ll get you an appointment with Lindsay’s doctor with that SBS money instead of a spot on their flop radio station.

4. Rowoon

Apparently Chinese netizens like to ask if there’s yeast in Korea’s atmosphere because there’s no reason for male actors to puff up the way they do after the age of 30. There’s never been a more serious case of actor disease in K-pop than Rowoon and subsequently there’s never been a more yeastful celebrity than current Rowoon. All he needs is a joker-lip reversal surgery and some antibiotics to bring back his jawline. But we have to act fast, otherwise he might develop Permanent Sourdough Syndrome (PSS) and one that rivals Lee Min-ho’s in terms of severity.

3. Baekhyun

I never thought I’d have to work with him. Much like Bom, his issues are purely psychological. But Bom’s issues come from her delusions and she’s only delusional because she has a pure, angelic soul. Baekhyun’s issues come from a place of pure, unadulterated deceit, what else could be expected from the man who pissed off both EXO’s China line and SM. I believed that the first week of military training where they make you crawl under barbed wires or whatever would shock his system into finally growing a conscience and a mandible. But I underestimated how far his schemes go. He weasled his way into public service instead, claiming he has “hypothyroidism,” which is  just a silly doctor way of saying his metabolism doesn’t work. Did no one stop to think why? 5 push ups and his hypothyroidism as well as his pollybeak deformity will cure themselves. I can guarantee it. 

2. Yuta

The issue with Yuta is just that he has bad taste. It can’t be helped, Japanese people rarely ever have good taste. Subtlety for them is reserved only for home decor and the spice rack, everything else has to be loud and tacky. Yuta’s issue is only that loud and tacky chin implant. I’m tired of everyone making fun of him, back when he debuted SM’s surgeons directed all their efforts to the jaw, they hadn’t realised the importance of a chin yet. No worries, I’m on SM’s payroll now so Yuta let me mold that lob of playdoh back to its original masculine Clark Kent with an underbite-equse shape. Don’t ask me about that nose though.

1.Hyuna

Sometimes you see those videos of Britney dancing in her basement and you wonder if saving her from that conservatorship was really such a good idea. You only need to look at Hyuna to realise that Britney doing her zumba class dance moves while wasting her fortune on real estate scams and failson boytoys is preferable to the other option. The other option being going ahead with a marriage to a D-lister with a criminal record he can’t hide from anyone but his wife. Hyuna, the only way to make everyone forget your really bad taste in men would be to dissolve that lip-filler once and for all, not just deflate it a little, do something about those chipmunk cheek implants because you’re beginning to transmogrify into Haifa Wehbe.